Manipulation, sometimes referred to as ‘Covert Aggression’ is often how an abuser will take control of both you and the relationship. In the initial stages of a relationship, an abuser will show high levels of manipulation - the violence and beatings will follow when you are ‘hooked’ in the relationship. Manipulation takes many forms, but charm, romantic gestures and sexual seduction are common. Of course, not every person who is charming will be manipulating you, the issue here is that spotting a manipulator can be difficult.
In a healthy relationship there will often be disagreements aired in an open forum and resolved with everybody’s best interests at heart. In a manipulative relationship facts are twisted and turned and guilt is attributed in order to get the victim to act in a certain way.
Know What You Like – The more that you know what you like and dislike, the less susceptible you are to manipulation. If you are unsure about how ‘right’ your preferences, likes and desires are, the more scope there is for an abuser to influence you and ‘tell you’ what you like and dislike.
Stay True to Your Values – Don’t take on a set of values, beliefs or lifestyle changes just because you are told they are better. Make sure you think through what you are told and have the confidence to say if you disagree. Will this change of values lead to a change in the way you live your life? Will it effect other people? Look at the potential consequences of ‘buying into’ a change in values. If you choose to adopt these values, be sure that you are doing this with you own best interests at the forefront of your thinking.
Beware of Emotional Blackmail – Emotional blackmail is often accompanied by mood swings. Let’s look at an example. Mark wants Carrie to take a day off work to drive him and his friends to London for the day so they can drink. Carrie says ‘no’ and states her reasons for refusing (work commitments and child care issues). Mark gets angry and fumes that he would do the same for her if she asks and that she is making a big deal out of a simple request. In an attempt to ‘fix’ the conflict, Carrie agrees to drive them to London knowing the problems it will cause for her.
Look out for ‘One-Upsmanship’ – Emotional manipulators have an excellent knack of making you feel inferior. A classic way of doing this is by ‘bettering’ whatever you say. So if you have had a hard day at work, they will have had a harder day. If you are tired because you ran 5km at the gym, they will have run 10km. By doing this they are able to make you feel inferior and therefore it is easier for them to manipulate your behaviour.
Are you Being ‘Hooked in’? – In the initial stages of a relationship (maybe as early as the first date) a manipulator will often share deeply personal, perhaps traumatic information with you. This information could be true but is more likely to be a lie. They could tell you that their last partner cheated on them, or perhaps they were abused as a child, or even that they witnessed their parent’s death. However this information is designed to ‘hook you in.’ You will feel a great deal of empathy for this person and as they have shared this information with you and you will feel closer to them as a result.