Sexual Abuse

Marriage

It is a common misconception that rape cannot occur within a relationship, especially with regard to marriage. It is common for the woman to regard marriage as a contract. A contract between the couple and part of this contract fuses body, mind and soul with the partner. As a result, it is not possible to be raped within the context of a marriage. This is simply not true. In the same way that deciding to have children should be consensual, sex within a relationship needs to be ‘signed off’ by both parties who are fully complicit in the act and feel both emotionally and physically at ease with the notion. If you do not feel comfortable at any point then you should feel that you are able to say “no.” Moreover, you need to feel comfortable that your husband will respect your decision.

How and why does abuse occur?

Men who sexually abuse show a range of personality traits and it is not possible to identify a sexual abuser by characteristics alone. It is generally accepted that there are four stages that a man will pass through before and after sexually abusing.

• Motivation – Why is the abuser motivated to abuse his partner? It often stems from feelings of needing to physically dominate their partner coupled with a low self-esteem or self-image. It can come from general attitudes towards women and can be influenced by fantasies that the man has. It is clear that it is not motivated by love and respect for their partner.
• Internal Blockers – What is stopping the man from acting out his desires? On the first occasion the man may have trouble overcoming these blockers. Having overcome this blocker on the first occasion, it will be easier to sexually abuse in the future. The abuser will have given himself the permission to act in this way. Allowing himself to repeat an already acted out behaviour in the future will be easier and more expected by all parties involved.
• External Blockers – The abuser has less control in this area. External blockers may involve the environment that the abuser and / or the injured party are subject to. This may involve one of the partners being at work at odd hours or the presence of children in the family home. Whilst the abuser will attempt to engineer situations that remove external blockers (e.g. letting the children stay with a friend) this is not always possible and can lead to visible frustration.
• Overcoming the victim’s resistance – The victim of the abuse may voice high levels of concern and maybe even threaten to report the incident(s.) It is in the interest of the abuser to overcome the reactions of his partner, and over time this is what he will do. He may talk about the incident(s) as if they were minor, or may even try to turn the situation around, putting blame on his partner. What this does is slowly desensitise the victim to the abusive behaviour. It may almost become the accepted norm within the relationship.