Making the decision to leave an abusive partner can be one of the hardest decisions to make. It is clear that violence at home is unacceptable on any level, yet many woman do not leave, many women do not talk about their experiences – why?
For some women, physical punishment in their childhood was rare or mild, but their homes were controlled, traditional and authoritarian. Other women experienced violence in their childhood homes and appear to expect it in their homes and relationships. Both groups of women cling to the hope that it will never happen again and that the abuser’s promise to stop is true.
It is not uncommon to find that the victims of domestic violence hold very strong views as to their role within the family and the marriage. They believe that it is the woman’s role to uphold the equilibrium. It is the woman’s job to make sure that ‘everything is fine’ and in the case of abused women, this can come at a physical and emotional cost. Woman will often believe that if they act more loving and caring then they can change their partners abusive behaviour – unfortunately this is very often not the case. It is rarely true that a change in the woman’s behaviour will change the man. It is solely down to the abuser to realise and accept that his behaviour is wrong and more importantly, if he realises this then he needs to seek help.
Women also stay because they are socially and economically dependent on their abusing partner. Some women with children often stay because they cannot imagine how the children will be fed and clothed without the income from their partner. Others believe that a violent father is better than no father at all. Some women have been told that the family must stay together at all costs. These reasons combine into what been has called "learned helplessness." Over time, the woman can become passive and submissive because she believes that she has no control over the relationship's violence or her own children's safety.
Taking control of such a situation can be very difficult, but also very empowering. We have looked at reasons as to why many women stay. So should I leave? You need to ask yourself how long you can maintain your current position, how long before you are seriously hurt and how long before your children are caught in the cross-fire? Your partner is not only being reckless with their behaviour, but they are being reckless with your life. A significant proportion of female murders are traced back to domestic violence. This information is not designed to scare you into leaving, but it is meant to help you think clearly and consider what you have to lose by not leaving.
Initially leaving an abusive partner can be scary and unpredictable. If you are going to leave, you need to know where you are going to go. If you have family or friends who are prepared to house you and your children in the short term this decision can be easier… but not everyone has somewhere to go do, or do they?
Well yes, with the exception of some very remote areas, there are many refuges that should be within reachable distance of your home. For more details about Women’s refuges, contact Woman’s Aid. Furthermore, if you are unable to get to a refuge, you can contact your council for advice and support. They may be able to offer you housing on an emergency basis. If this option is not available then speak to your local Citizens Advice Bureaux (CAB.) They have strong local roots and should be able to put you in touch with local agencies or charities that may be able to help you.
If you decide to leave you need to make sure it is safe to do so. So, for example, don’t leave when you know he is on his way back home from the pub or work. Make sure that you have all the important things that you need, for example, car keys, clothes, medication, birth certificates etc… It is safer not to tell your partner in advance if you choose to leave a violent relationship because this may increase his anger or he may intimidate you into staying. Some domestic abusers say “if I can’t have her – nobody can,” if you say that you are leaving, this may have serious consequences for yourself from this type of abuser.
Remember – you have the right to be safe and live without the threat of violence. An abusive relationship will ultimately never provide you with the safety and long term future that you want. It is for this reason that the question ‘Should I Leave?’ is so important, and whatever you decide, it is a question that you need to answer yourself and not have it answered for you.