A person has to give themselves permission to act in a certain way before they actually act out that behaviour. Once the person has given themselves permission, and have acted out the behaviour, it makes it easier for this behaviour to be repeated in the future.
An example of ‘permission’ :- Consider a recovering alcoholic who has not had a drink for 6 months. This person has been tempted to have a drink for the last 6 months but has successfully resisted. However eventually the recovering alcoholic gives in to the addiction and allows himself an alcoholic drink – he gives himself permission. From this first drink onwards, it is more likely that this person will continue to drink in the future because he is simply repeating an already acted out behaviour.
In the context of a relationship, permission is very important – but why? If an abuser gives himself permission to slap his partner then it is more likely that this behaviour will occur again in the future. If an abuser allows himself to slap his partner, how long will it be before he gives himself permission to punch her, or worse? Domestic violence often starts out on a low level and behaviours become more serious and more extreme over time. This is evidence of the perpetrator giving himself permission as time goes by.
If you are in an abusive relationship it is crucial that you monitor the behaviour of your partner. Is the abuse becoming more extreme or intense? Is your partner giving himself permission to act in a wider range of abusive ways towards you? If this is the case you should consider seeking support from friends and family or professional bodies such as the Police or Womens Aid, who can advise you of where your local refuge is. Furthermore if you find yourself in this situation but do not yet feel ready to ask for support, then you should have a clearly established Safety Plan.